TLV 5 - Video

[bodilesswarrior]

[Barbara is twirling a pen round her fingers with careless dexterity as she leans back in her wheelchair, gaze distant.]

I was going to talk about being a Warden and the responsibilities it entails and the sort of things we need to commit to when we agree to come on board this ship.

[She shakes her head, as the pen spins faster.]

But the truth is I'm not sure if I even have a right to be here. I barely address my own issues, half the time. I know they're there, of course, but there's always something more important.

And when it comes to other people... [A low, bitter laugh.] I ended my engagement over the phone. Didn't even tell him why.

I've used the people I love most. I've manipulated them. I've made them face near certain death, horrific trauma, brutal violence. All because of the mission. The greater good.

[The pen snaps, and she lets the pieces fall.]

Sometimes I think I'm a better vigilante than I am a person, and that's not what the Barge needs.

Comments

[fuckingvisions]

I bet it broke the boys heart, but if you had reasons I guess I can't say nothin'. Still over the phone is a bit harsh. Least Harry told me in person she was leavin' me.

Tell me you at least apologized to the guy, cowardice I can understand but that's a bit harsh.

[bodilesswarrior]

I know it did. [She stares down at the broken plastic in her lap.] He must have thought I didn't love him anymore.

[She looks up, a bit ruefully.] It took me a few years, but...I did eventually.

[fuckingvisions]

If you still loved him, which it sounds you do. Why did you leave him? Curious here is all. You can tell me to shut up and mind me business. Was he a jerk or somethin'?

[ Her rueful look is returned with a sympathetic look.] Should have given a bit o' closure then.

[bodilesswarrior]

No. Oh, God no. I didn't think he could love me.

[Quietly, gaze drifting to the blank computer screen.] I pushed everyone away, after I got shot.

[fuckingvisions]

Really? What on earth would give you that idea?

[ He looked at her the sympathetic look not wavering.] That'd be how you ended up in the chair I'd be guessin'?

[bodilesswarrior]

[A bleak smile.]

Yeah. I...

I didn't have a very good image of myself. Not at first. And I just - I couldn't deal with everyone looking at me and seeing who I was.

[fuckingvisions]

Barbara, take it from a self centered bastard. You got nothin' to worry about with people seein' you. You're lovely and strong willed, anyone who sees elsewise doesn't deserve you. That chair doesn't change who you are unless you let it.

Though I can understand that problem, people seein' who you used to be instead of who you are. It makes you a bit bitter if you ask me. I know it did me.

Reguardless of that, you deserve better then to see yourself as less then the strong woman you are.