TLV 5 - Video

[bodilesswarrior]

[Barbara is twirling a pen round her fingers with careless dexterity as she leans back in her wheelchair, gaze distant.]

I was going to talk about being a Warden and the responsibilities it entails and the sort of things we need to commit to when we agree to come on board this ship.

[She shakes her head, as the pen spins faster.]

But the truth is I'm not sure if I even have a right to be here. I barely address my own issues, half the time. I know they're there, of course, but there's always something more important.

And when it comes to other people... [A low, bitter laugh.] I ended my engagement over the phone. Didn't even tell him why.

I've used the people I love most. I've manipulated them. I've made them face near certain death, horrific trauma, brutal violence. All because of the mission. The greater good.

[The pen snaps, and she lets the pieces fall.]

Sometimes I think I'm a better vigilante than I am a person, and that's not what the Barge needs.

Comments

Private

[theonlyresponse]

You're a better person than I am.

Private

[bodilesswarrior]

[Barbara shakes her head.]

If I am, it's only because you've acted on your impulses.

[Ink is dripping down her hand, staining her sleeve.]

Do you know how easy it would be for me?

Private

[theonlyresponse]

You are not the same as me.

You're better.

Some impulses are better left as such.

Private

[bodilesswarrior]

Some. I'm having trouble deciding which is which. At least you made a choice.

Private

[theonlyresponse]

Not the right one. Not always.

Private

[bodilesswarrior]

No one makes the right choice every time. That's part of living.

Of course, we hold ourselves to inhuman standards, because when we make mistakes it can cost innocent lives. It makes sense but it crushes us.

Private

[theonlyresponse]

I don't want to make any more of those mistakes, but I don't know how.

I can't be trusted with that kind of decision.

Private

[bodilesswarrior]

That's why you're here. You can learn to be the sort of man who can be trusted.

Private

[theonlyresponse]

You keep saying that. I don't know how.

Private

[bodilesswarrior]

Most people don't, not at first. They figure it out as they go. It's a process, Bruce, not a puzzle.

Private

[theonlyresponse]

I don't think like that. Do you think it would help if I did?

Private

[bodilesswarrior]

I do, yeah. Don't expect to work it out all at once, you'll just get frustrated.

[Her arms fold across her lap, brushing the plastic aside.] I got so sick of not being...better. Before I got shot - I had a problem, I worked it out, I fixed it. Simple.

But there was no way to just solve the nightmares, or the paranoia, or the anxiety, or the shame or despair or any of it.

That was a process. I had to learn how to handle that. You can, too.

-> action whoops

[theonlyresponse]

[It's hard to hold the reply in but he does; he nearly sprints all the way to Barbara's room and knocks on the door.] It's me. Please let me in. I think I should say this to you in person.

action oh dear

[bodilesswarrior]

[Well that's unexpected. And yet not, because Bruce. She opens the door as soon as she can, looking up at him quizzically.]

sobbing

[theonlyresponse]

[He doesn't really even bother closing the door behind him - he just kneels down and hugs her tightly.] I love you. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you through it. I'm a wreck of a vigilante and a terrible father. Sometimes I don't even think I can be a person anymore. But let me try. Please help me try. I think you're the only one who can.

insert dedcat here

[bodilesswarrior]

[Her eyes go wide, and she doesn't react at all for a second. Then her arms circle his shoulders, warm and strong.]

Oh, Bruce, it's all right. I pushed everyone away. Just like you did. But I was lucky - there were people who found me, who brought me back.

[She holds him closer.] I can help bring you back, Bruce. I will, I promise. I love you too.

legit

[theonlyresponse]

I wish I'd been that lucky. I think if Dick and Alfred hadn't left me I wouldn't have ended up like this. I don't know if I'm angry at them for leaving or if I'm angry at myself for causing it. [His voice cracks.] It makes me sick when I think about that day. I know Clark and Diana shouldn't have judged me for acting out of grief, but they did, and it hurt. It pushed me over the edge. They saw me a monster. I thought I was a monster already, why not go all the way?

[Pulls away enough to look at her.] I don't think I can do this, even if I want to try.